| October 31, 2012 | 0 Comments

Get it together even when it hurts…
Be good to yourself, for you can’t love nobody else. –

I struggled to write this as I didn’t want to be completely raw here, but I decided to do so. I think this newfound clarity and contentment comes from being in a place where I’m happy being single for the first time in a long time. I don’t know how long it will last, but I will enjoy it. It’s helping me see who I need to purge. A few recent developments have me wondering what I’ve done wrong or missed in life to allow some bad things (people and habits) to stick around as long as they have.

First was reconnecting with someone I haven’t talked to in months after seeing a profile update online. They said they were looking for dating now. We had been on three dates and enjoyed them. Surprises all around for how well they went. I was told that I wanted too much, was too “lovey”, and needed to get onboard with the whole “Let’s just sleep together” thing and needed to stop demanding dates instead. It really sucks when you mesh very well with someone before you’ve ever been to their bed. I refused to give in, we went on several dates, and then we stopped when I was told, “The thought of a relationship makes my skin crawl.” I don’t do red flags.

I moved on, happily not engaging beyond an occasional “How are you?” text, which I wish I never sent. Why stay in touch with someone who is so dead-set on having things their way that they can’t recognize what’s right in front of them enough to make a change? (Okay, okay. I get it. You weren’t just that into me. But I’m still mad at myself for keeping in touch for so long.) I sent a text after noticing the profile expressed a vulnerability and interest in dating. I wasn’t looking for a date, but just saying, “I”m happy to see the thought no longer makes you cringe” (paraphrase).

I get a message back – “You saw that. Great. It’s something new I’m trying. Let’s talk tonight.” Oh. Well, okay then. This was unexpected. Long story short, here’s how it ended. “No, I don’t think we should date.” WHY DID YOU HAVE ME CALL YOU WITH THAT LEAD-IN?

Another example comes from getting in touch with someone else who completely had a bratty bitch-fest of a meltdown when I wouldn’t come over for casual sex, saying, again, that I’m too “lovey” and want romance too much instead of just having fun. We don’t talk from April through October and randomly saw each other a few weeks ago at a restaurant, got reconnected, flirted a bit (nothing sexual, actually, or saying anything about dating) and I got hit with the “I like someone and am really hoping to get out of the friend zone soon. So, I enjoy getting back in touch with you and would like to hang out, but I just want to be up-front with my feelings.” WHEN DID I SAY I WANTED YOU?!

There are other examples where I’ve had friends (or “friends”) tell me that I want too much from them, that I desire too much when we agree to dating, that I’m too “lovey” and seeking a relationship isn’t what I should be focused on – just have fun and see where it goes. I think the opposite. If I’m dating you, I’m evaluating your potential as a future mate. That is not to say I will jump into whatever is presented to me, but the purpose of dating, for me, isn’t to get to know someone. I can do that as a friend. If we’re dating, yes, I am looking to see if you’re someone I can’t wait to introduce to my parents and closest friends and relatives. I won’t know that until later along in the process, if it survives that long.

So, I looked at my phone here recently and noted several names that were kept in it. The “You’re a great guy, and if I were a little younger…” ones; the “I love you. You’re a great friend to me and I don’t deserve such friendship” one; the “Look, we can see if we’ll be friends, but I just want to have sex” ones that I thank for their forthright honesty. It’s sad that honesty on that base level is refreshing out here in these Single Streets.

I started questioning why I kept so many around. Some were “just in case” that has slowly faded with more maturity, but others I really cannot explain. I have cheated myself of so much of what I could have. I could have had a great life being single and not finding one care to give about how I was treated because it wouldn’t matter. I would have moved on with my life, and if you weren’t right for me (or if I wasn’t right for you), then so be it. Move on and build a bridge to get over it. Or take a flight. Was I keeping them around for an ego boost? That couldn’t be it because most of them always brought me down. Wasted time with more than a few. Was I keeping them around for the attention? Couldn’t have been because I had to fight to get it. Was I keeping them around out of fear of having “nothing” if I let go of those who I had for a moment. Possibly that. All along I was hurting myself and not being good to myself, afraid of what life would be like with just me. It was tiring.

I’ll be good to myself. I’ll delete folks from the phone (and life) who no longer serve any purpose for me. That sounds harsh, but that’s how I have to approach it to make the hard decisions. I’ve been done with games for a while and used to entertain them, but I haven’t talked to Example A in a month. I really don’t know if I’ll see Example B again. Examples C through W will not be contacted again. There’s honestly no reason to do so.

I need to refocus on me and enjoy what I have – Jesus, friends, family, and me. I need to actually walk in the “It’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen” reality and just keep being content with where I am, while it lasts. And how do I know I’m content? I just went through a Hurricane and didn’t desire anyone to be with me intimately, but the friend I had with me was enough to stay as a friend. Nothing was attempted nor even really desired. I normally would have been pining for what wasn’t there and jealous of those who had someone there. I was fine. That feels good.

For now.

I wonder what and who await on the other side of this thing.

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Category: About Me, Friends, Gay, Life

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