North Korea Is Trying It

jamin | January 28, 2013 | 0 Comments

As I was driving in to work, I heard on NPR about how North Korea is planning to launch a nuclear missile to test its readiness for an attack on the United States, its sworn enemy for over a century. Apparently, they’re serious. Experts around the world are actually scared this time.

This prompts me to write a letter to Kim Jong-Un.

Dear Jong-Un,

What’s up, man? Listen, I know you’re trying to show how far you can pee on the global scale of national leadership, but this isn’t the fight you want. I know, I know, your late father would be proud. You’re showing your assertiveness and showing your cronies and inner-circle doubters that you can be stronger than your father by actually getting things done. You already launched a test missile in front of South Korea. This is what landed you in hot water with the U.N. and led to you getting more sanctions.

Honestly, North Korea is like the annoying whiny kid in class who should be sitting in the front of the class so they can be watched by the class and the teacher, but you’re in the back making noise when someone isn’t paying enough attention to you. Your country is dealing with massive famine that has killed up to 10,000 people and caused some of them to resort to cannibalism, yet you focus all your money on military strength and posturing. Why you think that building up your country with hungry weaklings amounts to strength is beyond me. You could maybe focus those efforts into building up a modeling industry to rival New York? I don’t know. But you need to be more enterprising if you’re going to force such hardships on your people. Maybe you could also give up some of your own food because I’m sure that you’re not obese from inhaling air.

It really takes a crazy Satan-fueled man to be this fat and happy while his people literally eat themselves to death to avoid dying from starvation.
(Source: Time)

Also, calling the U.S. your sworn enemy after centuries of struggle isn’t really the way to make friends with nations that can help you. (Well, Pakistan might be onboard with that these days.) Seriously, the Korean War was in 1950 and prior to 1945, the United States wasn’t really all that heavily involved in being a global presence, so where do the “centuries of struggle” come in? If anything, I’d imagine it was Japan getting on your nerves all this time. And now, even China (your last hope for any contact with the outside world) is threatening to stop aiding you in any way if you launch this nuclear missile. That’s pretty major, dude. You need to pay attention.

It’s one thing to be a jerk if you’re naturally a jerk. It’s another thing entirely to constantly put your people in harm’s way with famine and threat of retaliation from the nation that, oh I don’t know, can bomb you into the year 3000. You’re really trying it with Barack Hussein Obama II? You really want to do that, dude?! This is the man who got Bin Laden while we were recovering from Obama stealing the show at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner. This is the man who got Somali pirates while we were wondering whether or not he had a backbone. This is the man who is dismantling the GOP slowly but surely by playing political chess (and he won reelection by almost 4 percentage points, so he’s on to something). This is the man who has proven that he will do whatever it takes to protect his country and her citizens.

Now you want to go and make threats like that? It’s like throwing stones at a dragon and kicking its tail from behind, then you get mad when it turns around and incinerates you. Don’t mess with Obama and don’t mess with the U.S.

We’ll make you cease to exist. You’ll be a footnote in history if you keep this up. Try it if you want to. Famine will be the least of your people’s worries.

Sincerely,

Jamin