Gay Men Lack Good Fathers?

jamin | January 30, 2013 | 0 Comments

According to @Sashlyy over on Twitter, they apparently do.

@Sashlyy came for B. Scott, who is a man who identifies with feminine culture. Disclaimer: I “love B. Scott.”

::massages temples::

In my research and experience with ex-gay therapy, there is a mindset there that lends itself to believe that if a man is gay (or if a woman is gay), that means they lack good parenting. The father or mother was absent physically or emotionally from the child during the crucial formative years (ages 0-5) and the same-sex child rejected whatever concepts of femininity of masculinity of that parent, leading them to identify with the opposite gender’s femininity or masculinity. Thus, a gay child is nurtured rather than created. The adult is to establish platonic friendships with several trustworthy same-sex heterosexual people to fill in those holes left by the same-sex parent. After a while the emotional needs will be met through these people and the gay person can be made whole again, ex-gay, and live the life they couldn’t live before thanks to the emotionally absent parent.

Nature or nurture; either way, it’s the parent’s fault.

@Sashlyy also tweeted something (now gone) about her best friend being gay and flamboyantly so. She stated that any flamboyantly gay man she knows doesn’t have a good relationship with his father. Twitter threw all the shade and nastiness at her. I see a lot of straight people coming to the defense of gays on Twitter while the gays sit silent. Maybe the gays know something?

I’m going to say something controversial here: @Sashlyy has a point. Every gay person I know (and I know a Chelsea 4-bedroom loft full of gays) and love has an issue with the same-sex parent. It may not be the case today after they’ve come out and rebuilt the relationship with that parent (and everyone is just accepting things as they are and moving on, regardless of how they personally feel about people being gay), but at some point when the gay adult was a child or teenager, they did not have a good relationship with the parent of the same sex. So, the thought that the toddler rejected whatever form of masculinity or femininity from the same-sex parent that was presented to them because it came from an emotionally absent parent (more than physically absent, I find. Many gay people I know grew up with two parents in the household, it’s just that one was a jerk for a long time) can actually hold water.

I seriously cannot think of one gay person who had a good relationship growing up with a same-sex parent at some point. Things may be much better now, as an adult, but growing up? Something was missing from a parent or whomever fit that role for them growing up (older sibling, etc.) And I don’t think that @Sashlyy should be chastised for saying as much. Sure, it may sound better coming from a gay person, but she’s not gay. She’s speaking truth on some level and we should hear her.

However…

As for her coming for B. Scott, I like B. Scott. Whatever he’s doing is working for him to be self-employed and popular, so keep that in mind, @Sashlyy. While you may be onto something by saying that gay men have or had bad relationships with their fathers, that’s not the only way a bad relationship manifests. Many men have bad relationships with their fathers and aren’t gay. Some grow up normal. Some grow up emotionally absent and users of women. Some grow up to be sex addicts. Having a bad parent is not always a precursor for homosexuality.

Be careful where you apply this assumption. Some parents aren’t even aware that they’re not giving their emotional best to their child. If a man dresses like a woman to make a niche market for their income and celebrity, I’d say they were smart, risky, and savvy more than anything. And when they’re doing a lot of good for a minority group? That seems pretty much win/win to me. Shantay, Ms. Scott!

Sashay into this more carefully next time, @Sashlyy.

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