I Want to be Married

jamin | July 24, 2013 | 0 Comments

I don’t really get too personal #onhere, but I have to let this out because my usual outlets aren’t working. Y’all, I want to be married. I do. I’m getting older and looking at all these babies in my family from last weekend, and thinking, “Man, it would be nice to leave a legacy through my kids and have someone to whom I’m married and with whom I could raise them.”

Then, the moments come around 10p-12a. I normally am unwinding from my day around that time. I’m on my couch playing on the computer or watching television. I think of how nice it would be to be interlocked in another pair of legs while unwinding. I think of how nice it would be to hold or be held in bed while sleeping. I think, of course, of how great it would be to have some form of sweaty physical intimacy every day. (Not an exaggeration. Every. Day.)

Then I think about how I’ve approached dating and how wrong it’s been for me. Online/App dating makes you present yourself in 1,000 words or less. You post your best-posed pictures. You lie about something in your profile – height, weight, age. Something’s not gonna be 100% true, I guarantee it. You unwittingly create this persona that is interpreted to be something else to someone who is interested in how you look online without hearing how you sound and act; without knowing your beliefs; without knowing your ups and downs, highs and lows. You’re not real. You’re a picture that has to live up to expectations. More times than not, you don’t live up to those expectations. Sure, you may look better than your pictures, but that’s about as far as it goes.

I think about being introduced, but my friends either have tried that and made me reexamine our friendship, because how did you seriously think I would mesh with that person? Do you even know me? I appreciate the effort and care for me, though. I do. And then for some who always meet people, they turn around and say, “I don’t know anyone who would be a good match for you,” or “You don’t have a set type, and that’s frustrating to try and find someone.” So, my type is a variety of people and it’s suddenly hard to find someone who would fit based on the variety of people you meet. Got it.

Then I pray. Then I vent. Then I come here to let it all out. Normally this feeling comes and goes in waves. It takes a few days to get through it and I’m fine, being happily single. I’ve felt like “this” this time for about a month now and I’m scared of where this could lead. I don’t want a temporary fix. I also don’t want to rush into anything just to say that I have someone, which SO MANY PEOPLE I KNOW DO SO MANY TIMES!

So, here I am. Frustrated. Annoyed. Worried. Single. And apparently shocking those who know me by being single. Seriously. This past weekend two cousins asked if I was seeing anyone or was in a relationship. When I said, “No,” they said, “Wait? WHAT? You’re NOT? How? Why?” I get that a lot. I have no answer aside from I haven’t found the right one…or the right one stopped seeing me after days of silence only to discover 6 months later that there was a mis-communication over something that could have been resolved quickly and we could have kept it moving. Now we can’t.

Now I’m sadder. LOL