5 Reasons Why You’re Going to Hell
I was inspired to write this after seeing this American Christian patriot’s tattoo depicting Leviticus 18:22, which prohibits a man from having sex with another man as if with a woman. My personal feelings about going so far in your anti-gay stance to get a Bible verse that seems to speak against gay people tattooed on you aside, I decided to look at other Bible verses that tell of ways you all rebel against God while sending yourselves to Hell. If I can reach just one person with the blessing of ministry that this post provides, I know I’ve done well.
1) You have sex with men, as a man, as if the man is a woman. Leviticus 18:22 strictly prohibits this, and if you are Hebrew in the wilderness and doing this, that’s against God and you’re going to Hell.
Amen!
2) You have tattoos. Leviticus 19:28 prohibits any markings on your body in remembrance of that dead OR tattoos. That’s what the pagan nations did and God won’t have tattoos in Heaven! You’re going to Hell!
Oh, you think you’re funny? Enjoy damnation, sinner!
3) You’re a witch. Exodus 22:18 states that you must not suffer a witch to live. I don’t care how hellbound Pentecostal Christian Angela Bassett is utterly slay-in-g the role of Marie Laveau in American Horror Story: Coven on cable TV right now, SHE SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO LIVE! Oh, you (dear reader) think you’re off the hook because you’re not a real witch, wearing pentagrams and being one of two religious groups that acknowledge that Satan is a real person/being just like God? Okay, let me ask you this. Do you have tattoos or have you ever dishonored your parents (or, if you’re Asian [because of the code of honor thing], if you’ve ever used God’s name in vain – basically, ever broken anything listed in Exodus 20)? That’s rebellion against God. I Samuel 15:23 says that rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft. Witches burned at the stake and burn in Hell, which is where you all are headed. Praise God!
Laugh all you want, witch, but eternal fire awaits you! (And those flawless twists! Can we get into them, though?)
4) You’re reading a Bible that is anything but the original Hebrew and Greek. Revelation 22:19 says “And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.” Now, that could mean the whole Bible, but probably means the book of Revelation, as the Bible wasn’t compiled at that time. So, since translations lose words and punctuation, this means that King James is in Hell along with everyone else who isn’t reading at least Revelation in the original language (Greek). I mean, we could be living in the Great Tribulation now because it could span millennia instead of just 7 years. I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE I HAVEN’T LEARNED ENOUGH GREEK TO BE SAVED YET (but I don’t rebel anymore and I don’t have tattoos, so I’m closer to the Pearly Gates than you are, backslider). I’ll let you know when I get there and try to save as many of you rebellious fornicating gay tattooed witches as I can. In any case, if you’re reading anything that’s not Hebrew or Greek for the Bible, your name is missing from the Book of Life and you can kiss Heaven goodbye.
It’s a lot to read, but I want to be saved, so…here I go.
5) If you’re a woman, it’s because you don’t cover your head in church. If you’re a man, it’s because you’ve prayed with your head covered. (I Corinthians 11:4-6: “4 A man dishonors his head if he covers his head while praying or prophesying. 5 But a woman dishonors her head if she prays or prophesies without a covering on her head, for this is the same as shaving her head. 6 Yes, if she refuses to wear a head covering, she should cut off all her hair! But since it is shameful for a woman to have her hair cut or her head shaved, she should wear a covering.”) Also, if you’re a woman, it’s because you don’t shut up in church and aren’t domesticated, but want to go out and make your mark on the world working and stuff. Hillary Clinton and Gloria will be tormented for eternity right next to you if you keep this up! (I Corinthians 14:34 and Titus 2:5.)
They’ll melt right off of her face where she’s going.
So, everyone, strive for obedience in these areas. Get laser surgery for your sinful markings on your bodies that you use for twisted sexual perversions and rebellious thoughts and behaviors. Learn two new languages (Greek and Hebrew) so that you can accurately understand the Bible.
Or just rest comfortably in the fact that John 3:16-17, Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 10:9-10, and Romans 8:38-39 take care of any concerns or judgments listed here. ^_^
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Category: Christianity, Humor
THANK GOD FOR JESUS and GRACE.
Total agreement with you.
Amen.
The tattoos I understand there are so many versions of the bible where can you find an original Greek bible ? Everything is in English and so much has been taken out . I think this is just another way to bully people .Everyone has sinned unless you yourself jump out of your body and go to heaven every night when you go to sleep don’t judge the sins or severity of the sins of others unless you yourself are sin less
This was a tongue-in-cheek post.