I Am An Attempted Rape Survivor
I feel led to write this now after seeing so much wrong about understanding rape and who is to blame for rape. It’s the rapist, okay? The rapist is the sole person responsible for raping anyone. It’s not what the victim was wearing or anything related to that. Rape is about power, not sex. Rape is about power, not sex. Rape is not about sex, but about power. Rape is about power, not sex.
I was wearing a T-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. We had just finished a late breakfast. We were friends. Nothing leading up to that day led me to believe anything would happen but hanging out with a friend while I was in town.
Back at his place, he was supposed to change shirts, but he didn’t. We talked for about 30 minutes. He made his first move. I got scared and couldn’t get out of the room.
“Your heart’s beating fast. Hmmm.”
I fought while he ripped away clothing and put my glasses by the far corner of the bed, and my shoes apart from each other by the door and the window. My jeans were by the desk. If I left, I would have to leave half-naked and struggling to see far. I struggled. I fought. I didn’t want to get his blood on me if I cut him or punched him.
He has HIV.
He forced me to suck him twice. Held my mouth open and thrusted while inside since I wasn’t sucking. I could have bitten, but again, blood, and I didn’t want to make this any worse than it was. I think he would have tried to kill me or maim me.
Underwear off.
I tried to get away as he pushed against my bare hole, promising to not go in. Interesting as I was laying on the condom, so exactly how was raw sex not the goal? He finally got my legs pushed back toward the headboard. I couldn’t fight anymore. I was tired.
I asked, “Okay. Do whatever you want. Please. Just use the condom. You can f— me. Fine. Just use the condom.”
He made a weird face and then his semen was on my stomach and running down my balls and heading to my hole. My hole that was rubbed raw with no lube. I jumped up and into the shower (wrong move) and started bathing. He came in, opened the curtain, and watched me.
“I don’t have any wash cloths but you can use mine. Seeing you like that…God…just makes me wanna f— you!”
I tried leaving again and he forced me to cuddle. Now, by this time I had no strength left. I couldn’t believe this happened. I said “No,” about 28 times but he kept going. I was trying to see my friend in him, and my mind was reeling over what had just happened. I was in a daze. I asked why he did that when I clearly didn’t want it.
“Hey. I could have raped you. So…you know…be happy. Be happy! Just calm down! It’s okay!”
He finally let me go, unceremoniously, and I went back to my other friend’s house and showered, my little trip out of town now ruined. I had a panic attack on the flight home, waking up out of my sleep feeling like I would die. I asked my doctor for post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP). He made me retell every detail of what happened and determined that I had a traumatic experience but was not at risk for anything. I made sure at 6 months just to be safe. He was right.
While at the doctor’s office – “You went to the doctor? Oh, man. I thought you knew I was playing. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you scared.”
I went to therapy and tried to reconcile how someone I considered a friend could do this to me with the fact that while my mind was trying to escape my body, my body was on fire, alert, and completely stimulated and enjoying the attempted rape. I went on another vacation two days after returning to Myrtle Beach with a friend and every time he tried to hug me to console me, I would seize up. I was a mess for any form of intimacy for a while.
So, that’s how it feels, everyone. At least, that’s how it felt to me. You fight, your mind is wondering how/why/what is happening, then it tries to leave your body, you give up and give in, and your body reacts naturally to sexual stimulation. It is quite possibly the most horrifying personal experience in the world.
I’m still trying to reconcile and understand some things, but I’m sure of one thing. For those who said I led him on or it was my fault, listen (family included), screw you and may you never have this happen to you. It’s not my fault that a predator waited until the right time to pounce after winning my friendship and trust, and had a plan the entire time to “take me down”. I don’t wish this on you, but maybe something could happen out of your control that people blame you for in order for you to shut the hell up before you go blaming a victim for getting raped!
God bless and go in peace. Thanks for reading.
Dear Jamin, that was rape. I’m sorry you went through that. You aren’t alone. It’s not your fault. sending loving thoughts your way.
Thank you.
Every part of my being wants to shield you from any harm or abuse. Yes, I know my pain in experiencing a scenario similar to yours. It is NOT your fault and you have thousands around you, in your neighborhood and community, that want you to be safe. God bless.
Thank you.