Let(ting) It Gooooo! Let It Go!
This post has nothing to do with the movie Frozen. I have not yet seen it, but I need to see it before Once Upon a Time returns in the Fall, since at least half of the season is about Elsa from the movie. I’d like to be caught up. ANYWAY, on to the post for today, which is all about letting people go.
So, some history here. I went on a date with someone in 2011 and had a wonderful time. I got cold feet because it would be a long-distance relationship, about which I was not excited. So, I ended it before it started. We reconnected in 2012, and it did not go well…for me. I lost out to an engagement and house purchasing process. However, in spring 2013, I got a text explaining how the engagement was called off and someone got kicked out. We resumed communication that culminated in a night/half-day spent away together. Alone. Without sex. (Really. No, really.) It was everything I’d imagined being in the beginning stages of a relationship to be. It felt like I was “home”. I didn’t call it off this time around, but it ended before it started (again).
Foolishly(?), I reached out this year and we started talking again. Apologies for past bad behavior and vanishing were given; promises of doing better were said; a planned weekend away together was coordinated. I got cautiously optimistic. Then the weekend didn’t happen due to some vague excuse that was expanded upon later…only after prodding. I didn’t like the way I got ignored this time or before. Texts started being returned 3 days late. I felt neglected. I don’t do well with narcissists. You know those people – they show you their unanswered text messages or app inbox with dozens and hundreds of unread messages. “Why don’t they just get that I don’t want to talk to them? They’re so pressed!”
Dear Narcissists: YOU’RE PRESSED because you like having the attention and not reciprocating. If you’re honestly tired of them contacting you, you’ll tell them that you’re no longer interested. Which you never do. Because you feed off of the attention.
So, realizing that I was supporting an unhealthy behavior in someone else and myself, I let it go. For the last time. Yes, I’ve forgiven, but no more giving someone a
third second chance. No more feeding into a behavior. No more vying for attention that’s not mine to have.
This hurts and it sucks, but I have to take care of me, because only God will do that for me, and as much as I thought I had “arrived” after so many years of crap in the dating pool, I guess I’m still swimming. God protects you from so much, if you just let Him. It’ll hurt now, but it can hurt worse if you were allowed to stay. I usually find out why it didn’t work out (like last week finding out someone I dated early last year was newly into witchcraft and tarot reading – I had no idea! – and how someone else I dated is in federal prison now for stuff that was probably done while we were dating in 2005. Again, no idea!), so I wonder what will come up this time. Hopefully my brain can stop kicking me in the chest saying, “I told you that if it’s complicated, it doesn’t exist. It should be simple. What is, is!” Shut up, brain!
Sometimes you have to let people go. I will be alone now (again) and I’m tired of being in this space, but I’m not willing to be abused to not be alone. I just pray that I won’t “slip” and make a stupid decision with a temporary someone just to fill a void for an hour. I deleted some folks from my phone (and the cloud) to prevent that too. #EndTheCycle #StopHurtingYourself #StopDatingAbuse2014