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Twitter Made Me Outraged, Scared, & (overly) Sensitive

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I joined Twitter in 2008, but did not actively start using it until 2010. The way I made Twitter work was following people who were into things I was into – politics, humor, activism, teh gaye, moderate/non-scary Christianity, entertainment, same movies, TV shows, and other stuff. Since it started “working” for me, I’ve come across some pretty awesome people, ordered some good cookies, interacted with a lot of trolls, and have even made new friends and acquaintances from it.

Disapproving-Mother-Thow-Away-Baseball-CardsWho would have thought that you, of all people, would stoop so low as to meeting people on the Internet? – My mother. I should start a Tumblr of her quotes. She’s unintentionally hilarious!

I’ve learned how to be outraged through Twitter. Stuff that I thought was either funny or not that important are actually very important to my well-being and society, and should not be joked about hencewithforeunto! So, without further delay, I present the top 5 things I’ve learned on Twitter That Make Me On-Edge, Jittery, and Incapable of Having Fun. The following is a misogynist, woman-hating, transphobic, racist, homophobic, and unreasonable piece of trash. Enjoy!

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1. Feminism used to be cool, but now you have to be womanist if you’re black…or something. I get confused. If you critique a woman online, then you hate women, even if you’re in the right. Trifling mothers? Sure, they pale in comparison to trifling fathers, but it’s a sin to even bring it up. If you see a woman you pass every day wearing a permanent scowl, you can’t tell her to smile because you’re trying to control her body with your man-opinion.  I just don’t want her to have facial nerve damage. It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. I don’t think having a face strong enough to bench press 225 lbs. is a good thing.

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2. Don’t ever speak ill of Beyonce, even if you’re famous. It means that you hate all women. I actually saw someone tweet that!  I find it fun to antagonize Beyonce stans, the Beyhive. The younger, ignorant ones often pipe up to defend her like she’s personally paying for their health insurance. So, I have to tread lightly. (Well, I really don’t care these days.) The recent Solange fight is funny only because the hive was making fun of Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey for days a few months ago, but are all, “This is a private family matter for the Carters and we shouldn’t speculate or make light of such a serious situation.” Girl(s), BYE.

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I’m gon’ get these jokes off…

3. You can’t enjoy a television sitcom without analyzing why one joke is offensive to one group of people, so the entire network series should be canceled. You might even want to start an online grassroots campaign to cancel the show, then say that canceling the show wasn’t the goal, even though you used the word “cancel” in the campaign. If you still admit that you like the show and disagree with this particular campaign, then you’re supporting the oppressive patriarchal misogynoir cishet regime and you wind up blocked and blogged about, if you’re popular enough.

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4. If you ask a question about transgender people, you’ll be immediately branded a troll, blocked, and called out by people asking others to report you as spam. If you notice that a woman looks like a man trying to be a woman and say something about it (not as a jerk), you’re transphobic, edgeless, fatherless, and your mothers didn’t hug you enough, even if what you see is a man trying to be a woman and still looking like a man. Sometimes people aren’t being rude, they’re just calling things as they see them. Let’s be real, people are just getting a handle on the L and G part of LGBT. We’re gonna need more time to understand the T part! We aren’t being rude, we are just trying to learn! Don’t nobody, including L, G, and T, take the B part seriously, regardless. *snicker*

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Ain’t nobody confused over her. (Laverne Cox)

5. You can’t disagree with your followers on Twitter because they will unfollow you and not let you prosper with a different opinion. For example, when she-who-shall-not-be-named’s album came out in December and people were acting like it was the greatest album of all time and kissed by Jesus Himself, I got unfollowed by some people after I disagreed with some assessments that the album was neither the best thing ever, nor an early Christmas present, nor the result of no promotion after a year of being on tour, doing the Super Bowl, and all over every company’s commercials, with rumors of an album coming out with snippets released online. I was branded a hater and unfollowed by about three people even though I bought the album immediately when it was released on iTunes…and they did not. I unfollowed them back. #PettyHurts

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So, while this list is a bit tongue-in-cheek, I must say that I do hate how Twitter makes expressing oneself uncomfortable at times. It’s like you’re risking losing your group of friends in school if you buck the system sometimes. I really don’t care now and will express my opinion regardless, but still, I’ve seen some people change opinions based on what the popular people say in order to retain followers. That’s wrong and a form of bullying, but it’s also a form of capitulation, which is really bad because you’re not actually facing anyone physically.

That being said, let me #ConfessMyUnpopularOpinion: #TeamMacklemore #TeamIggyAzalea #TeamColbert #TeamIKindOfFeelBadForPiersMorgan #TeamKellyWasTheBestSinger #TeamEverybodySmile #TeamMileyIsNotAFeminist

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