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In (Weak) Defense of “Secret”

Yes, I admit it. Yes, I did it.

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I downloaded the app, Secret, out of morbid curiosity. It’s largely been SO boring. I WANT JUICE! I WANT SALACIOUS SCOOPS! But nawl. I was told via recent news articles and blogs that it would be full of information about people I know (maybe myself?) but I guess I have the right group of friends or something because it’s been really boring. Even some scandalous gays I know in DC aren’t featured on it, and I’ve only seen two names I know featured but in very complimentary ways. BORING!

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The app works by either having you read secrets from people near you or loading people who have the app from your contacts list (you never know who has it, just a number of people from your list who have it). You see secrets from your friends, nearby people, nationwide users, and friends of friends. You can’t comment on everyone’s posts, though.

I have a Facebook friend who was featured and dragged as a narcissist because he posts a lot of selfies of his body, tattoos, etc. and apparently is too into himself to notice someone he’s personally known for years who has the hots for him.

(Some sympathy: I’ve been in the unrequited affection spot with two diagnosed narcissists and it’s not fun. They drop bits and pieces of themselves and you keep following them through the forest until you get bored, wise up, and go home. Also, they’re weren’t as interesting as they appeared once they demystified; they were scared of being discovered. [That last part is an actual confession from one of them.] This is just my experience. YMMV.)

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“…and I’ll never have that recipe again.”

The Facebook friend complained that the people who post stuff on Secret are not the “A gays” trying to put down other people and maintain their status and popularity (#WELLACTUALLY some of them do post [but can we just not ever use “A gays” again?]), but it’s the sad, lonely ones with pathetic lives.

Not quite: I think anonymous posting like this can be liberating – like a suggestion box. Granted, someone will hack Secret after someone commits suicide from a post about them and expose those who have posted about others, but it’s an outlet for some people for now. (It’s not just for gay people. Straight people post cattily too.)

Anonymous posting can be liberating because you have an outlet you don’t typically have. You might not have friends or family to whom you can vent, or you may have them but they misunderstand your motivations for venting. In that mode, I think Secret can be useful. However, as humans who typically ruin everything, it probably will be used for evil more than good. This means that people get torn down, depression rises, and people find out the truth about their friends who are backstabbers. Thus, Secret’s days are numbered.

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If you have a problem with someone, address it with that person. If you want to vent that when you attempt to talk to certain people in public with their friends, they act like you’re covered in leprous boils or completely ignore you, I don’t see a problem posting. If you want to vent that you can’t find someone eligible to date because they only want sex when you can offer more, I don’t see a problem posting. Maybe someone can offer helpful advice. Or maybe you can stop posing shirtless and lustfully all the time while wearing short shorts in every pic on your dating profile while writing things like, “Looking for something real,” or “Only looking for friends. Please be hot, around my age and height, versatile, down to earth and normal. No fats, fems, blacks, or Asians. Just a preference. No hookups,” or “Please don’t see my naked pics as a green light for something sexual. I offer more than my (naked, wet, glisten-y) body.”

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So, if you’ve used Secret, has your experience been like the Burn Book from Mean Girls or more like reading Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Man without the CliffsNotes? (God bless you for doing that! You’re the real MVPs.) I’ll be deleting the app this week as my curiosity has been unsatisfactorily satisfied.

I will also speak with my therapist about getting the app in the first place because why would any sane person want to read a real-life gossip column? (/sarcasm font)

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