Biphobic: What I Am According to Twitter
Earlier today I posted a blog dealing with what some gay people think of bisexuals. I was giving more of a “this is the view a lot of gay people hold” post and not a “let’s all aim for understanding” post. It came from a place of personal (and shared) pain, frustration, and a lack of understanding. I got the idea for the post from several people recently in my social media virtual travels who express confusion over why gay (and even straight) people disregard bisexuals as invalid, cheating, confused, harmful, etc.
One of the points of Keene Point of View that I strive for is to treat everyone lovingly. The love may be harsh if you’re a right-wing conservative Christian who is unloving to anyone not like you, but I don’t try to be intentionally offensive…except maybe on video…as a joke…unless you’re Gwyneth Paltrow. (I…she just…”Flames on the side of my faaaace…!”) The last group I’d want to offend is anyone LGBT.
Okay, maybe I’ll offend Glenn Greenwald. I mean…he’s kinda…ugh.
So, within about 38 minutes of posting the blog I started getting trickles of outrage in my mentions followed by a lot of bisexual activists and people replying that I was hate-filled, biphobic, and cosigned the hatred that society has for bisexuals. I was lost. That wasn’t the point of the post, nor how it read to me (and actually others who read it – gay, straight, and bisexual). The insults flew. I brushed them off. My comments filled up and I got tired of reading them to approve them. I edited the post. The feedback continued. About three people were pissed, but respectful. I decided to remove the post since it honestly hurt and offended so many. I just don’t like offending a group of which I am a part.
How did I get here? Nobody’s supposed to be here.
I’m learning more about bisexuality but today won’t be the day that I espouse an enlightened understanding. Maybe next week or next month(s). I’ll get there. I’ll continue my friendships with bi people in my life and learn best from them for now. I don’t use the F-word (“friend”) lightly but two bisexual Twitter follows have become friends and one’s Twitter rant earlier this year about how people feel toward bisexuals (focusing on hurt from some in a person’s past) struck me as an honest account of being bisexual. She was about the fourth person I met, in my mind, who was. (Look, when you’ve been hurt and see examples of the worst behavior, you try to rise above, but that default mindset can be hard to break.) Listen, I still don’t 100% get it. Add to that me being broken up with because I couldn’t easily start a family but being asked to “stick around” for “fun”. I can get to a place of respect and try to understand. I’m on my way, but I ain’t there today.
Unlike her, I actually am trying.
Like any break up where someone else is chosen over you – gay or otherwise – and you have no say or power to stop it or change their mind – another woman chosen over a man; a man choosing a younger woman and leaving his wife; a 6’4 muscle-bound above-average black man being chosen for the white ex-wife after she’s left her average white 5’7 husband; the recent (in the last 5 years) addition to the throuple being chosen as the new partner for the new couple…and the first person is newly single after being together for 20 years with the second person because the 2nd person is now with the 3rd person in a monogamous committed relationship – you’re gonna feel some kind of way and no matter how much you understand about a person’s sexuality and see it as valid, alladat ain’t gonna push its way forward in your mind as something to consider when you’re venting or writing from pain.
This is probably your face during it.
So, the post was a combination of expression personal and shared pain, and just providing – to those who were asking – an answer as to why some gay people don’t like bisexuals – it comes from a place of pain, fear, and a whole lot of misunderstanding. I could have gone farther and said we should work on this, but the point of my post was one of expression and opinion, not really KUMBAYA. I could have handled that better. I’m sorry. It really was never, ever, ever my intent to offend anyone. I will say, though, that there should be enough space for people to express hurt over someone in a group who’s hurt them so that healing and understanding can begin. Even if it leads to generalization. At least we have a starting point for better education. It’s how I approach homophobes willing to talk about their areas of discomfort – I have a place to start to at least express a different point of view. We can grow from there. It will take time, but if I can’t express an opinion on my blog about my personal experience without being called a closed-minded biphobic POS, we’re in a bad place.
Thanks to those who were respectful enough to engage me and tell me of how to improve. To those who weren’t, nothing I can say will help you because I think you’ll be mad at anything I say or do, but thanks for reading and sharing. Thanks, especially, to those who read it, understood my intent, those who know me well enough to know that I’m not a bigot, and even for those who fit that group and were a bit hurt by what I said, but understood what I meant.
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Category: Gay
I truly am sorry for the pain you feel over your latest breakup. Thanks for listening to the bisexual community when it is hardest.
I am really glad you took the time to listen and respond to criticism about that post. A lot of times, people don’t.
I think it is important to keep in mind that it is not good to generalize a whole group of people because one member of the group did a bad thing. That’s how bad stereotypes get spread around, and it happens to gay people too. For example, how people say “Gay people shouldn’t be around children because they might molest them!”. Maybe that person was molested by someone of the same sex or maybe someone they love was, and they are in emotional pain because of that awful experience. Even if they are though, that still doesn’t make it any less harmful to spread those false stereotypes about around about gay people.
Negative, unjustified generalizations are the root of basically all prejudice and discrimination. All prejudice is about taking one bad act or perceived bad act by a member of a particular group and generalizing to all people from that group being the same way.
Hi, Jamin!
Thank you for your responsiveness yesterday to the people who tried to engage with you (not just yell or be abusive). I hope my comment on your blog was one of the ones that had a positive impact.
I understand what you are explaining about where the post came from. Thank you so much for going beyond explaining your intention to apologizing for the actual impact your post had. We all cause unintended consequences from time to time. It happens. It’s how we handle it that becomes important.
I agree there have to be spaces to discuss our own personal pain. However, when we do so, we (yep, me included) need to talk about ourselves and our pain without resorting to reinforcing negative stereotypes. It makes us a lot more vulnerable to blog about an entire situation, rather then express our pain in generalities. But vulnerable in a good way, in the Brene Brown/TED Talk way that creates positive change in ourselves and the world.
Thank you very much for posting this. It is heartfelt and the apology is very well accepted. I really respect your willingness to learn and grow. Bravo.