Fear of Dying Alone
Church yesterday was hard. The sermon was about how God doesn’t withhold anything good from those who desire to please him and pursue righteousness. Often, we might feel that God is holding back on good things for us and we know our needs and desires and see others getting theirs met but our needs are as neglected Will.I.Am’s beard care regimen.
I was convicted over how selfish I’ve been lately. I’ve been ratchet. I’m not happy with my weight now (12 lbs. of fat over my ideal “comfort” level) and have been feeling very unattractive. However, when I get attention from someone, it’s solely on their terms. They could be in a relationship, seeing someone, dating exclusively, married, or just trying to see how a “third” could work out to make a triad/throuple. It’s not fully respecting me as a person and I know part of it is that I don’t feel attractive right now, but if YOU find me attractive, that must mean I’ve still got it on some level…even if the level is in the sewers where you’ve relegated me. Now, ME? I’m against all of that. When I felt my sexiest, I didn’t have time for it and would cut someone up if they tried it. I know better, but I’ve been a proud chickenhead lately, basking in the attention and teasing back with them. I haven’t acted out, thank God, but I’ve been greatly tempted.
I felt naked, ashamed, and exposed in church in my little corner seat. I also felt an encouraging voice saying, “You’re better than this,” while the pastor was preaching about having a desire to seek God first and pursue righteousness; just try it and see where God leads me.
I thought about my frustrations with being single right now. Sometimes I’m good with it, and sometimes I’m like, “Why me, God? Why do THEY get someone when they can’t even maintain an honest relationship with themselves but I believe and have been told I’m a catch and will make someone extremely happy one day…but I get passed over by those who tell me I’m a catch and they go on to find abusive relationships and call themselves happy?” I have a fear of dying alone right now.
I don’t want to die alone. In this “I hate being single” current mood, I’m afraid that I’ll die alone or be like Billie Holiday – wildly successful in my craft(s) but unlucky in love and relegated to being an option in extramarital affairs and random lovers.
Either that or I’ll wind up like my uncle (my father’s brother). My uncle was a sweet guy, but he wound up having to take care of his older aunt and mother and from what I saw, he never had a happy life. He had a lover in New York but you couldn’t live very openly when he was coming up (born in 1922), so they were just “friends” who saw each other throughout the year. My dad would be so hard on him and I wanted my uncle (who was much older) to just knock Dad in the head one day and stand up to him, but that day never came. My uncle lost his long-distance lover some years before my uncle had a stroke that sent him to a nursing facility for a few years before he died – alone. He never got to live and love openly. He was a gifted musician and good singer, but aside from being a church organist, he never exercised that talent or developed it. He had people he called friends in church but they made fun of him behind his back for being gay. I felt bad for him as a kid. After my grandmother died he was in his house living alone. Christmas came around and I (at 11) had to ask my parents to invite him to spend the holidays with us – Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. My dad said, “I hadn’t thought to ask.” (#LaurynHillOppressedSigh. Was he ever properly loved?)
I’m not my uncle and I don’t want to wind up like him. I do trust that God knows my desires and how I want marriage and a family while still being true to myself. One way I can honor Him honoring my desire is to aim to please Him and stop being ratchet and giving attention to people who just like soaking it up. It’s not fair to me, it’s selfish, and I wind up with nothing to show for it. I’m trusting God on this one, but this sucks right now. It’s a moment and it will pass, but my word…I’m feeling this one hard.
Edited to Add: After talking to my mom about this, she told me that my dad came off as a monster to my uncle, which wasn’t the case. It actually broke his heart that he couldn’t do more for him, but my uncle didn’t stand up to my dad when my dad would tell him how he should live and act. Bickering? My dad being a bratty little brother? I don’t know. LOL My grandmother said that my dad would drive my uncle up a wall when my dad was a kid. Poor thing. He drove me up a wall when I was a kid too, uncle. Anyway, I just wanted to clarify that. Also, my uncle’s lover/boyfriend did want to move down to my uncle’s house after my grandmother died, but that was shut down because…those things weren’t done then. I wish he’d had just done it, though, just to see everyone freak out. Civil disobedience and such. Haha.