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Ferguson Almost Made Me Slip – Part 2

APTOPIX Police Shooti_Schu(3)
Edward Crawford throwing a tear gas canister away from him and some kids nearby. Iconic photo. The best parts about it are his locks covering his face, the American flag shirt…and the bag of hot chips that are not dropped or shifted. Credit: Robert Cohen/AP

But the people in my life either weren’t watching or saying things like, “People need to stop looting!” Chile, boo. That was like 2% of the people there. Focus on justice for Mike Brown and the problem with police brutality in the nation, which seems to be on the rise. Next, we have the self-hating black people who tell other blacks how to behave “respectably” to make white people feel comfortable around them, or tell me to calm down (and I’m like, “Why aren’t YOU angry AT ALL, Negroperson?”) and then I want to stab them and all the things, so I choose not to talk to those people.

So, that was my mindset this weekend. I needed to vent, cool off, and just relax. And, strangely, I got to do that, but it didn’t reach a tipping point, thankfully, and I wondered why. In church Sunday, our pastor encouraged us to at least read something from the Bible every day. It won’t always be “Yes, God, I receive this!” every day. Some days we might be bored, honestly, but at least show up. “When you’re in the Word daily, I don’t worry about you.” That struck a chord with me. I, at best, am off and on with my Bible reading and devotions. And when I’m off, I slip, strip, and fall. Thankfully this weekend wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but I worry about me. I’m bothered that I didn’t pray out my frustration but chose human comfort instead. I’m bothered that I was open to more and willingly went along with it and was disappointed it didn’t go further. I’m bothered that I wanted that connection for all the wrong reasons. I’m bothered that I don’t have very many friends in my life who get as upset and ready to set things off like I do in the face of wanton injustice. BUT, through Twitter, I am meeting some new friends and I’m glad they’re becoming a part of my life offline and online.

And now I’m back to where I need to start over again. Prayer. Bible. Showing up. At least “trying” to do good. And I’m so thankful that even in the midst of me messing up and my sins that God still holds me and cares for me. This song randomly played on my Christian iPod playlist this morning on my way to work. It’s called “He Cares for the Sparrow” by Ron Winans Family & Friends Choir. I was doing the ugly Church of God in Christ (COGIC) cry by the end. If I wore foundation I’d have been a streaky mess by the time I got to work.

So, basically, I guess this is a personal post as well as an update of my emotional state linked to events in Ferguson and my life. I feel like I’m crawling back, but the Lord might actually be carrying me. We’ll see how it goes. I plan to show up, though, and see.

“Already knew that He died for me and gave his life just to set me free. And now you tell me He watches me and He cares for me. Cares for me!” #UglyCOGICCry

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