Fat

I stand at 5’9.5 and on December 30, 2009, I weighed 213 lbs. and had a 39 1/8″ waist.

 

I felt okay aside from back problems and XL shirts fitting too tightly. Then the elevators at work would do that “reset” thing when I stepped on board. Oh, and there was the problem of sweating after bending over and coming back up. Lest I forget the time I tried to have someone carry me and almost broke their back. Finally, I remember the many, many times I would reject someone because they weren’t fit enough and I wondered why I would attract someone like that when I didn’t look like that (obese). Then my good friend Adenike (who is always honest with me) said, “Sweetie, why do you reject bigger people who like you when you’re as fat as they are? You’re not as fit as you think. You could stand to lose a lot of weight.”

::Needle scratch on record::

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” – Proverbs 27:6a

Girl.

After I moved to my new place I looked for reasonable personal trainers. I wanted to be trained 3 times a week, maybe, and found a program with a man who started his own business (The Body You Want Fitness Solutions) and trained 2-3 people at a time per session. It was odd. I was used to 1-on-1 but it actually worked out well and I got to be more sociable with other gym-goers than normal. Eventually, this man took over the gym space he was co-renting with other trainers (who had to move out) and now the program is so large that he renovated the two floors and they have many clients and several more trainers.

Between March 2009 and October 2009 (with stops and starts with eating compliance) I had lost 25 lbs of fat, but the scale only went down 16 lbs at my “best”. My waist was 33 1/4. The attention I got was great. Oddly, I wasn’t as much of a THOT (That Ho Over There) as I thought I’d be (I actually wasn’t at all). (I always credit my lifestyle with keeping me at least constantly working on staying in shape. Otherwise, I’d probably be 500 lbs. and about to die. Really. No, really.) Then I got lazy.

I gained some lbs. and got new headshots in 2011. I think I was at 34.5″ waist and like 210 or so.

I loved the new pics! Now, however, I’m back to back pain (herniated disc; muscle spasms) periodically, and my diet hasn’t been clean (i.e. – treats with non-complex carbs 1-2 meals per week) 100% of the time. When I’m doing it, my waist decreases, my weight goes down, and my blood pressure stabilizes.

I’ve always struggled with my weight ever since my metabolism stopped at puberty. Yes, stopped. It didn’t slow down. It stopped. I hate my metabolism. Yup, HATE IT. I was happily on my way to being a twink, but no, my father’s side of the family genes had to kick in and shut down my metabolism.

What is the point of this post? I’m not too sure, but I just had to get this out and tell someone that I’m struggling with my weight. Again. Part of the reason I haven’t done new videos is that I’m embarrassed about how fat my face looks. I am developing a web series that calls for my character to be fit, and I was on my way back there, but two weeks of Mike Brown, Ferguson, and a month of 4 deaths in August really took a toll and I didn’t pay close attention to my eating: my waist puffed up real big.

I’m mounting the saddle on this horse again, sure, but I’d love not to be knocked off again. I sorely miss the fit me. I miss how my outside matched all the confidence and self-like/love that I had inside. I’m losing that. I miss my back not hurting. God created me for greater and I’m just not honoring that right now and I’m a mix of bad emotions about it. So, you don’t have my number, but help me be accountable, maybe?

Tags: Accountability, Exercise, Fat, featured, Gay, Weight, Weight Loss

Category: Gay