Why I Stayed – My Abusive Relationship (Part 2)

| September 10, 2014 | 3 Comments

Please click here for Part 1 of Why I Stayed

I was falling for an emotionally and verbally abusive narcissist. That face. That body! My last day seeing him, we met one evening for dinner – on my father’s birthday. My parents asked why I couldn’t stay longer at lunch. I made up some excuse of having plans that were somehow more important than celebrating my own father’s birthday.


Forgive me. I was young and dumb.

I was uncomfortable the entire evening. He insisted that I meet him at his hotel instead of at the restaurant. He insisted that I park my car in the hotel garage and get in his car to ride effectively across the street. I wasn’t hungry as I had just eaten a big lunch. I said I would order the side salad and keep my water. The server looked as shocked as I when my food order came out of his mouth instead of mine.

He grilled me about my life choices, ambition, and educational aspirations all before the food came. No answer I gave was good enough and any questions about why this was important was met with “I have my reasons. That’s all you need to know.” He told me that I was lazy on most things and didn’t work hard enough to get what I wanted out of life. I think I “did well” on like one thing.


I gathered myself in the bathroom and struggled through dinner while he took his time eating, seemingly enjoying my discomfort. I got back in his car and he insisted on finding dessert at Starbucks. I’ve never been so grateful for a Starbucks being closed. We made it back to the hotel and I bolted for the front desk asking for the ticket to get my car. He struck up conversation with Verlice (I still remember her name) and tried to make it seem like he was a charming guy. She was so amused and taken in.


He charmed EVERYONE and we fell for it.


I prayed so hard for Verlice to shut up and give me my parking receipt. He kept saying how he was ready to go back to his room and watch a movie (three times). The valet got my car and he said he was going back to his room, making it clear that I was to join him. In my mind I was clear that I was not having sex (for what would have been my first time) with him and if I went to his room, he would have expected it or taken it. I said goodbye and left the hotel on fumes – I got gas far away from the hotel and made it home safely. I prayed I didn’t choke off in front of him or anywhere near him, and I was thankful that he didn’t make a scene to coerce me into compliance.

I ended it the next day. He made everything he did wrong my fault and said I kept showing him my unwillingness to be with him because I wanted too much from him – whatever that meant.


So, for all the questions about why Janay Rice stays/ed with Ray Rice, maybe it’s not about the money. Maybe it’s not just about fearing for her life. Maybe it’s not just about her self-worth being beaten out of her. Maybe it’s more than her being weary. Maybe it’s not just about her seeing something in Ray that she thinks doesn’t exist within her. The reasons are complex for staying.

My reasons for staying was that it was my first time dating someone and since I was told (by others) that I would die alone because I wasn’t going to marry a woman, having someone built like a fantasy tell me that he loved me and that he valued me and my heart, and found me special and unique was more than enough to ignore every red flag that popped up from the day we met. Also, I had major body image issues and thought that maybe I wasn’t so bad, and if he didn’t want me (with his perfections), who would want me?

Finally, I looked to him to give emotional stability, support, and things to sustain me and repair my emotional damage, and that just doesn’t work. He exploited my weaknesses and capitalized on my loneliness, using me and abusing me emotionally and verbally throughout the entire relationship. I had to be careful of what I said or did because he might leave me and it was always my fault for making him go and come back, hopefully teaching me a lesson about how to not anger him. How odd that there was no easy way to not anger him. Ever.


I almost died (figuratively) in Jupiter’s emotionally and verbally abusive gas, and never saw its solid core, nor do I care to. I am glad God helped me use its gravity to escape the poisonous gas and slingshot back out into space to get back to the asteroid belt. I’ll find a rock to complement mine someday and it won’t be an abusive relationship.

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Category: Gay, Issues, Life

Comments (3)

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  1. The Truth says:

    I was in a similar situation. The guy was older, DL, a church man, very educated, well endowed (financially and otherwise *wink wink*), elusive, charming, attentive …. he seduced and played sexy and toxic mind games on me like no other. He was my Christian Grey and I was Anastasia (I’m a masculine gay man but you get my point). I wanted to leave him but I couldn’t, there was a soul tie … and it tore me up like Letoya Luckett. Bro I was torn in between the two.

    But it was a great learning experience and I’m glad I went through it early in life because it groomed me for the healthy romantic relationship I have now with my lover.

    Thanks for sharing your story, I enjoyed reading it … it reminded me how lucky I am to have come so far from that dark space I was in when I was with him.

  2. The Truth says:

    And I should say that I remember thinking to myself many times that there’s no way I can live without him.

    Welp it’s been well over 3 years now and I’m THRIVING and LOVING LIFE! I gave him too much power and will never do that again. Life is too short to be in a dysfunctional relationships …. yes we had plenty of good times but we had plenty more bad times and he was too stubborn and delusional to meet me halfway.

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