I chose that picture because her expression and downward look is how I feel right now about loving God. I feel beat down and bedraggled. I have a very important test in a couple of days and I pray all goes well there. However, lately, it’s been more rough than smooth with God. Last year, I had lessons in obedience. I fought hard for 3 weeks justifying why I needed to stay where I was living and not move to where I am now. I gave in after three weeks of fighting and hearing three different sermons in two churches in three weeks that seemed to scream, “JUST OBEY THE LORD!” I’m glad I did. However, I actively resisted for three weeks. Then the bottom fell out of my life but picked up some a couple of weeks afterward. My life picked up steam about a month later but overall my 2016 wasn’t great. There were definitely some very high highs, but the lows were also there. I’m grateful for what God did that year.
I thought 2017 would be better from the start and it was going well until about mid-to-late January. Then my personal world got crazy again. It was one thing after another that happened. The highs weren’t really highs but were hollow inside. The lows were definitely lows but went much deeper than they appeared at first.
And so, here I sit, in mid-to-late March, wondering what God is doing or whether He still notices me or cares for me. I feel forgotten. I see Him doing wondrous things for others but there are certain things I’ve been specifically praying for that haven’t happened. One of them I “saw” get taken away the day it was going to happen. It hasn’t come back and now joins the other things that God allowed to be robbed from me.
“Trust His timing!”
Yeah, enough of that, please. I have been obedient and trusting and in tune and now all that’s been ripped away from me. I’ve seen God not punish wickedness (seems to smile at the people engaging in it, showing them so much mercy) and seemingly ignore me while I’m hurting. That doesn’t seem very loving. I keep threatening to let go but I know God won’t let me get but so far. I feel like a prisoner or a tagged pet who will always be tracked down. It’s funny: I feel that I have to leave in order to get some attention paid to me by God but while I sit here in His presence He doesn’t notice me.
“His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are higher than ours!”
UGH! That does nothing to help me. “It means He is in control because He sees more than we can see.”
Again, that does nothing to help me. I want resolution on things and I want things to move ahead. This waiting and confusion and frustration and feelings of loss is for the birds.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and don’t lean on your own understanding of things.”
My own understanding of things is the only thing that makes any sense. Otherwise, I just feel like I’m being toyed with and used. Like a sadistic game. My own understanding says to get out while I still have my wits about me; save face to myself, don’t look like an idiot, appear strong, get them before they get you, etc.
But I know more about God than to believe that He is a sadist. He’s not Jigsaw from Saw. His grace is sufficient for me and He loved me enough to send His only Son to die for me millennia before I was born. People lie but God doesn’t. Situations fall apart but God doesn’t. God is love. God is truth. Truth is a solid foundation that no one can destroy or shake loose. Love covers a multitude of sins and if that’s what remains at the end of a day, it’s a good day.
I just hate that I’m in this place right now; this funk. This blows! I was patient and waiting and excited that something was finally turning around and then it got snatched away and I’m being stretched to trust even more. I am done intellectually and have nothing left. I feel Spiritually close to depletion too. I don’t know what happens after this. I started a gratitude journal to write down something good God does for me that I prayed for daily. That helped center and calm my mind earlier. Maybe that’s a start? Praising and thanking my way through it?
Maybe. All I know is that all the Bible reading, devotions, sermons, and praying…just isn’t cutting it right now. I don’t know what else to do. I look up and feel hopeful. I look at the scenarios (because they’re unavoidable and have to be looked at) and feel hopeless. What to do?